I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
