Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
