My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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