i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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