When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
