This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
