life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
