I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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