you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
