You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
