Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
