oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
