the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
