Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
