I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
