Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
