Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
