New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
