he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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