It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
