Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
