Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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