i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
