im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
