woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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