Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
