I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
