I met the friendliest cop last night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
