The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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