I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
