We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
