Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
