Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
