Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
