Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
