i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
