I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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