I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
