then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
