I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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