Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
