life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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