Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
