So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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