I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
