I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
