He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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