One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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