I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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