my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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