So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
