I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
